I find myself jumping to attributes I have never had before. But they are inside me. Impulses run free. Free.
Today is a day
Today is a day that was filled with realization.
That a year and a half of laziness causes hurt hips, open breath, a happy teacher, and a disappointed aftermath.
I should have done that all along I thought to myself after the ecstasy of the experience was gone. I was too lazy/comfortable to do more, I was too scared to ask questions. So instead it clicks way too late, or maybe on time? I am an optimist and a pessimist.
I realized one of my huge weaknesses that I have had on my chest for the last few months of my life. I have acne on my face. I am 19. I cannot stand the thought of it. Through Tim Miller’s workshop that we are currently doing right now I was able to release it.
I took my glasses off and handed them to a class mate so I could put my hands on my face without wearing about them. I also could not see anyone in the circle that was surrounding me, just blurred outlines of maybes. I was able to release how I really felt because I am connected to this tribe that we have made in a way. Maybe because I am no longer scared to be vulnerable. I spoke about how acne has affected my life and thoughts and could not contain my emotions. I bawled like a baby and wanted to prove the world wrong.
However, is the world wrong? I notice after thinking more positively about acne, if there is a way, that maybe this is humbling to me. I got too big headed, way too big headed. I treated women poorly since I was a sophomore. And treating women badly is a very sophomoric thing of me to do. Maybe it is karma? Maybe god is telling me that I am very sick and repulsive because of those actions.
In acting today we were told a quote by Aristotle. It doesn’t matter what your character says, it doesn’t matter what your character feels, it matters what your character does. And isn’t that character in itself? Saying things is not character, caring is not character..close but not to my standards. Action defines character. A character does actions. So my character is a self conscious, cheating, over talkative, caring, worrisome, pretentious, learning, loving, and accepting character.
It makes me sick. It makes me want to hurl you across a room. It makes me want to run to your house and prove to you how much I care for you. But you also are a bitch. One who cares nothing for herself, maybe because I only care about myself. But I wanna learn. I wanna grow. I want to throw my fucking heart out there, but you know how difficult that is right? Say that you do. It makes me want to grab you and shake you till you understand what the hell is going on. It makes me want to hold you and dance with you. Not the slow pace sweet parent trap shit. The fast paced one where your hair goes everywhere, you are singing the song, but I can’t hear you because the music is too loud. One where you grab my wrists too tight and it hurts but I would never tell you because I love it too much. I would fight for you. I would protect you and continue to regardless of how you treat me. That’s fine. It makes me want to write this.